The Voice and the Balrog of Laziness

One of the problems I have had with my rekindled desire for massive self-improvement is over-extending myself.  Here is how the cycle goes:

1. Experience a massive wave of motivation and self-purpose
2. Set short term goals.
3. Tackle the goals
4. Feel a sense of accomplishment
5. Become overwhelmed
6. Give up on everything
7. Self-loathing
8. Repeat

Phase 1: Self-motivation

 It starts off with a manic realization that I can do EVERYTHING! A huge amount of energy will build up in me to do productive things. I stop eating, forget to watch television, forget that I enjoy video games, and see only the things that I can accomplish in the world.  I feel like I can easily stand toe to toe with the Greek gods of yore... if I put my mind to it.

Phase 2: Set Short Term Goals

I am a planner, so the first thing I do is I start making short term goals. Lists of things I will do today, tomorrow, and this week, and this month. But I might go a little overboard...

Yep, this is totally gonna work, for sure.

Step 2 is where it all goes wrong. I know this, but I do it anyways even though a little voice in my head is screaming HEY ASSHOLE! What in the FUCK are you doing? Don't you remember what happened last time? The Balrog of Laziness? You don't remember him? NO? Are you STUPID? Did you fall and hit your head and forget everything? This was just last week for christsakes!

No, this time will be different. I'm sure. I've got it all planned out.

Really? Whatever. Have fun. Tell me how this works out for you.

And I do it anyways without really listening to that frustrated voice in my head that knows better.

Every.

Single.

Time.


Phase 3: Tackle the Goals

At first, it goes well. I actually do do all of the things. I go home on my lunch hour to practice. I wake up at 5:00 and go kayaking at 6:00 before work. I go hiking, running, or kayaking after work. I go to the dojo and study karate with my sensei. I am teaching people to kayak and giving lessons on guitar. I practice guitar while I wait for dinner to cook. I get creative when I cook. I practice guitar until I go to bed.

I. Am. Amazing.

Phase 4: Sense of Accomplishment

Phase 4 and 3 are really the same phase, but phase 3 is activity while phase 4 is that awesome feeling I have at the end of the day that makes me realize how much I can do, how much I have accomplished, and that I can do this.

This phase is reinforced by others because they see me doing all these things they wish they had motivation to do. They want to do awesome things but they just can't bring themselves to do it. They aren't just impressed with how my fingers float across the guitar. They are impressed that I could buckle down and take the time to actually get good at it.

Hey, little voice in my head. You were wrong this time. Just like I said, I have this all planned out.


But then something happens....

Phase 5: Overwhelmed

About one or two weeks into the realm of pure awesomeness that I have ventured I realize that I over scheduled myself. Not just a little bit. A lot. Somewhere during Phase 2 I forgot that people need to do little maintenance things in their life to keep their home, work, and social lives all going smoothly.

I haven't left time for my chores. Dishes are piling up. Clothes are piling up. My roommate disappeared in an avalanche of bills and junk mail that I neglected. I have started ignoring friends and become a hermit. The car needs an oil change. I realize I haven't gotten a haircut in nearly three months. I have to go to the doctor. I haven't been eating properly because I've been too busy. I can't remember the last time I took a shower or shaved. I start to look like a crazed madman. My friends joke that this is how the Unibomber probably got his start.

And when I look at all the things I need to do but don't have time to do....

Phase 6: Give up

Do all of the things becomes...

Except play video games.  Or boot up the computer to play video games and decide that I don't have the energy. Or sit with the dog and power-watch my way through three seasons of Arrested Development in two nights. Or just sit and stare at the ceiling.

I have awoken the Balrog of Laziness. He feeds on accomplishment and enjoys nothing more than destroying the sense of purpose we possess. And the Balrog of Laziness will stalk you quietly, slowly consuming your motivation to do anything. And he makes you say things like I'll do it after dinner or I'll do it tomorrow.

This phase invariably culminates with a listless, insomniac episode of some mindless video game until 3:00 a.m. on a work night and I wake up feeling like hell which leads immediately into...

Phase 7: Self-loathing

Because I did this to myself. I know it. I saw it coming. I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it. Again. Probably for the 50th time. A deep anger and hatred for myself rears its ugly head, like the fell beast that the dwarves discovered when they delved too deeply.  I delved too deeply and too quickly into the Mines of Accomplishment and woke a terrifying beast that feeds only to motivation.

Luckily, that rude little asshole of a voice in my head pops up.

Sigh, let me guess... you pissed off the Balrog again, didn't you.

Yeah, I might have pissed off the the Balrog again.

Phase 8: Repeat

The Balrog of Laziness and the voice in my head do battle. The Voice might be a jerk, but one thing he can't stand is the Balrog. The voice can never actually kill the Balrog, but he always manages to banish it back to the depths whence it came, and banish it a little bit further each time. I take a day or two to recover from my malaise and then suddenly the Voice watches me look at my guitar and says Hey, you can do it....

And the cycle starts all over.