That is the worst part: losing focus due to something that feels out of your control.
For the past two years I have been seeking treatment for constant pain. Know how you feel when you work out way too hard, pushed yourself too far and instead of having that pleasant "I worked out" pain you have "Oh, god, what have I done to myself pain"? That is how I feel 90% of the time. Maybe 95% of the time. My doctor and I don't know what is causing it, but something causes my immune system to attack my joints and connective tissues causing them to inflame and hurt like hell. Eventually it got so bad that I was literally starting to go a little insane and I finally broke down and talked to my doctor.
This has actually been going on for years and years, but I didn't seek help until it got really bad. Unbearably bad. Like most men regarding our health issues I decided I was going to tough it out. Why? Because my only symptoms were pain and inflammation and I didn't want to go to my doctor just to complain about hurting. The pain used to be a constant 2 out of 10, which was easy to ignore but over the years it gradually worked higher and higher until I was constantly at what I called 7 out of 10. At that level it literally felt like my muscles and tendons were peeling away from each other. Like most people, I can handle pain level 7 like a champ if I only have to deal with it for a day or two, but I can't handle it all the time. Pain like that just drains you when you always feel like that and eventually that pain becomes your life and puts your brain in a fog.
I wasn't going to go to the doctor and get treated for pain because that's what drug addicts do I would tell myself. I have a very important rule in my life: no addictive pain killers. I never want to become one of those people but eventually the pain was just so bad I was willing to become one of those people.
Diagnosis, Treatment, Recovery, Relapse
My doctor called for lots of tests and almost everything has come up blank. Right at first we identified a severe vitamin D deficiency, but after correcting that everything else we tested for came up negative. It is so frustrating to know something is very, very wrong but not be able to actually get a solid diagnosis. What we do know is that I have frequent and painful long-term inflammation flare ups that have no clear cause, do not respond to most anti-inflammatory treatments, and that my muscle strength and flexibility are not affected. In many respects, I am lucky because my body seems to be able to handle it. The problem is my brain just eventually overloads on pain and decides to stop caring about anything and everything I care about: sports, guitar, friends. At that point, the diagnosis was "some kind of autoimmune reaction." Fibromyalgia and Myofacial Pain Syndrome also came up but neither he or I were really willing to accept those diagnosis options as the cause. They might be part of the equation but we both think something else is going on but we just don't know what. Frustratingly vague but that's what we have to work with.
My doctor recommended I keep up with my active lifestyle, boost my vitamin intake, get regular massages, and take some powerful anti-inflammatory meds when things get really bad. He initially wanted to offer me some pain killers and sleep aids for my really bad days. Oxycontin and Ambien. My response, "absolutely not!" Those are addictive as hell and the side effects can be crazy. They are my absolute last resort, and my doctor respects that.
Things got better slowly and steadily, but unfortunately that worked only for about a year. Last November it went from simple pain to pain plus insane inflammation which resulted in immobilization of my shoulders and then a subsequent infection. I couldn't even lift my arms above my shoulders. Suddenly I couldn't play guitar comfortably, work out, snowboard, or do my karate. Even playing with my dog was difficult and she does most of the work. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even handle just sitting around hanging out with friends. Not being able to physically do anything that I loved triggered a terrible depression.
Recovery 2.0
Luckily a prolonged regimen of powerful antibiotics and some other meds got me back in working order over the course of six months. Even then, the impact on my psyche took an huge toll. Getting back to where I wanted to be took longer than I wanted but I'm glad that I am able to deal with this without ever having to resort to drugs like Oxycontin and Ambien, although I am having to take some meds I really wish I didn't have to take but they seem to be making a noticeable improvement.
At this point I am actually a couple of months into my second recovery, which is far stronger than my first recovery. It started with this summer and kayaking season. We had good water on the river this year and I was hellbent on learning at least a few tricks in the whitewater park. I spent a lot of time on the water practicing, sometimes getting on the river as early as 6:00 AM just so I could get some kayaking in before work. It has paid off. I won two 2nd place awards in the local kayaking competition and have gotten even better since then. I have been teaching three people to kayak and teaching my roommate some classical guitar. I even learned how to do stand up paddle boarding, because all I needed was one more sport to get involved in.
Most importantly, Sensei Masa has assigned me one of my bucket list pieces, an arrangement of La Fille aux Cheveux de Lin by Debussy. It feels good to tackle a life goal head on. Things are good and only getting better.
I'm finally back, and I did it without your help Ambien Walrus.
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